Vivid.

(Day Last: A Vivid Memory)

Back when I started my travels, I kept a diary on my computer.  On October 15th, 2007 this was the last entry, spacing and capitalization in tact.

10.15.07

i feel like i am living at the edge of an avalanche.

i’m always just waiting for it to fall.

waiting for it to topple upon me.

the anticipation, however, smothers me more

until i cannot breathe,

and the few breaths i can muster

are sharp, cold and stinging in my lungs.

i can’t even write.

Letting Go.

(Day 30: React to this term - Letting Go)

Sometimes you hold on to things. Memories. People. Hurt. Love. Fear. Pain. Joy.

Sometimes this can be great. But sometimes.. it can be best to just let it go.

Music.

(Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories)

Wow. This is a hard one.

I wish I had seen this one well in advance so I had longer to think about it.  I'm sure these choices wouldn't be my ultimate list if I had the time to ponder. .. but I think I'm all about the "what strikes you now" list today.

1 - Saves the Day - Sell My Old Clothes I'm Off to Heaven

"There's a beautiful sky tonight and if you were by my side we could share it but you're gone."

I think of this one every time I see an amazing moon.  So much crazy imagery in this. Brings me back to high school. 

2 - Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter

None of the lyrics really applied to us except the title of the song.. but my dad would sing this when I was little.  (My maiden name is Brown..)

3 - Nirvana - About A Girl

When I was in middle/high school Nirvana was a huge obsession of mine. This was definitely a favorite.

4 - The Blow - True Affection

"But because it's real doesn't mean it's gonna work."

Call back to a strange time when my love life was crazy and up in the air.  

5 - Iz - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Reminds me of Maui. And my wedding day. Amazing.

Only Pictures.

(Day 28: Only Pictures.)

Another day in the life.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Readers.

(Day 27: A Letter to Your Readers)

Dear Readers,

Hello to you out there in bloggerland!

I don't know who you are or how you found me but thanks! Thanks for taking the time to stop for a while and read whatever random thoughts I have today. Thanks for finding me. Hanging out with me. And sharing this moment in this day together.

I may know you. I may not. But either way, you have taken a minute or two to know a little more about me.

Who are you?

Would love hear!

And thanks again!

- Lily

Being Friendly.

(Day 26: Something You Read Online. Discuss, if You'd Like)

I read this other other day:
The Bold Italic - Is SF Friendlier Than the Midwest?

I found it interesting. Perhaps you might too if you are a transplant like me.

If not, maybe you will find it intriguing for other reasons.

It really made me think about the different kinds of friendships there are.

Read and discuss amongst yourselves. 

Foreigner in Your Own Land.

(Day 25: Something Someone Told You About Yourself That You'll Never Forget - Good or Bad)

Mine was more of a question.

So.. to set the stage: We were in the Philippines. Josh and I were both four years younger than we are today. We were both unemployed. Both devoid of possessions. Both halfway around the world from "home."

We had been traveling in Southeast Asia for the past three or so months. We were getting weary. We were getting tired.

This particular morning, we were on the island of Guimaras and we were in search of a waterfall. Directions were scarce and confusing and we found ourselves miles in the wrong direction. Exhausted and defeated, we caught a trike back to town. The trike was already occupied by the principal of the local school and we shared the ride with her.

As we rode, the inevitable question of my heritage came up. I explained the tried-and-true story: born in Manila, adopted at four days old, moved to the States when I was two and bunny-hopped around the U.S. all throughout childhood. She asked about our visit to my homeland and I described my desire to at least see, to explore, to feel the land where I was born. I relayed how this was my first "true" visit back. 

"So you're a foreigner in your own land?" she inquired.

And that phrase has stuck with me forever. I feel like it describes me to a T. Somehow part and not part of a place I call "home."

A foreigner in my own land.

Top Three.

(Day 24: Your Top 3 Worst Traits)

I don't know if these are technically my top three in ranking order or anything.. . But they are the ones that come to mind currently.

1) I am indecisive. To the point of it being annoying. I hate making choices. I loathe picking between things. I put off deciding until the last minute or avoid it completely. I know this can be infuriating... But there are often times where I could go either way or do whatever and, frankly, I would love if someone just decided so we could go on with it. I appreciate all of you out there that are kind enough to enable this behavior. Much love to you.

2) I am lazy. Oh man, how I love to sit on the couch. Or curl up in the covers with a book. Should I get up and take a walk? Probably.. but man, that seems far.

3) I am picky. This is maddening probably when combined with the indecisiveness. "Where should we go to eat?" you ask me. "Oh, I don't know," I reply. Then, this is followed by you listing a bunch of places and me vetoing them. Cringe. Why do you even hang out with me?

Pointing these out should probably motivate me to change. 

See: #2.

Life Lessons.

(Day 23: Things You've Learned That School Won't Teach You)

Many of life's lessons were, indeed, learned outside the classroom. Some that come to mind at the moment are:

1) Be Nice

People, on the whole, can be frustrating sometimes. They can be especially so if you've been having a long, tiring, exasperating day/week/year. But, I've learned, that in general you should give them the benefit of the doubt and be nice. Always put your best foot forward. You cannot reverse your actions. You cannot rewind time. It is better to leave a pleasant memory than a negative one.

2) Be Patient

As with the last life lesson, this one can be hard. Be patient with others. Be patient with yourself. And be patient, in general, with time.

3) Take Time to Relax

Life can be fast-paced. Life can throw a lot at you. Take time to breathe. Take time to lay down and take a load off. Sometimes reflection helps make more sense of a situation. Or sometimes it just feels nice to get off your feet and lay your head in a soft pillow.

4) Floss

This one seems silly, but damn! Dentist bills can be expensive. 

Rants.

(Day 22: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel.)

Today I am frustrated with other people's organizational skills.

I am tired of telling you over and over in various ways (e-mail, spreadsheets, voicemails) what the totals come to. I feel like I am saying the same thing. Again and again and again. Yet, you are still getting it wrong.

Yes, there are many numbers that were involved in that calculation. But I took the time to label them all and even write out my formulas. And, lo! A check comes across with a number I can't even fathom how it got derived!

This may be petty. And I know you have many things on your plate and many other things you need to attend to.

But, hey. I highlighted this number in bold and red. 

That's the one.

Oldies But Goodies.

(Day 21: A List of Links to Your Favorite Posts in Your Archive)

This was harder than expected.  I never seem to like anything I've written.. especially after the fact.  In addition, I decided to add a few posts from my other blogs.

1 - Pre-Traveling: First post on this blog. It's great to remember the feeling of giving up everything for the unknown.

2 - A Week in the Desert: Such an unexpected stop on my journey cross country. This first Burning Man experience will always hold a special place for me. So much so, that I am hesitant to go back and alter my perspective on it.

3 - Maui: Just love this collection of photos of my time here.

4 - I'm in Heaven: Ton Sai, Thailand. Truly heaven on earth. One of my favorite spots on Josh and my tour of Southeast Asia.

5 - Traveling: It is amusing to re-read this now. I like thinking about how I actually accomplished this. .. At least a little.

6 - Tropical Weather: I like the photo in the post and the musings. And I always miss these things.

7 - Red Walls, Aching Muscles: Being a tour guide was hard. But also, rewarding.

And from my other blogs:

1 - 4 Years and 2000 Miles Apart: Life in SF versus life in Maui

2- Lovesick for Wanderlust: Disjointed and strange, I think this accurately depicts my traveler's itch.

3 - 5-Hour Blink of an Eye: Being an adventure travel guide.

4 - Chronicles of Our Cat: I love my kitten.

Motivation.

(Day 20: Share something you're struggling with right now.)

I'm not sure if this counts, but I struggle with being motivated.

In fact, I wrote that first sentence and then got distracted by the internet for 20 minutes before writing this one.

In honesty though, this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Currently, it is the struggle to be more healthy: eat better, be more active, and generally treat my mind and body better.

The problem is: tomorrow. 

"Oh, I can eat that today because tomorrow I'll start eating healthier." 

"Today I can sleep a little longer because tomorrow I'm going to get up early and exercise."

I also mean to better myself mentally. I would love to be conversational in Spanish. I would love to strengthen and grow my writing. I would love to learn a new skill in 2013.

Motivation is easier for me with a partner. I lean on Josh to encourage me to run. I just scheduled a bi-weekly session with a friend to start improving my Spanish. The blogging community has motivated me to start writing every day. 

Hopefully, fingers crossed, 2013 will be a more motivated year all together.

Five Blogs.

(Day 19: Five of your Favorite Blogs and What You Love About Them)

1 - Glorious Nonsense - Jayme has been a good friend ever since we started working at the same software company in Madison, WI. She was always the decision-maker of the group. A leader. A guide. We even traveled together to Peru, where we hiked up mountains and took on South America. It has been amazing to see her grow into a new mother with grace and beauty. Much love to Jayme!

2 - Hello From Wow - I already gave a nod to Truen earlier in the challenge but her blog can never get enough mention. An enjoyable mix of photos, videos and prose that I will never tire of.  

3 - Lifeintrees - Part of the incredible duo that is Truen and Matthew, this blog has also been a favorite of mine for a while. Love the random day-in-the-life photos. A different perspective on life.

4 - The Gleaming Underbelly - So amazingly jealous of the writing skill of this lovely lady. I had the pleasure of meeting Rachael back in the days of working at Heathline. I have been inspired by her talent, beauty and writing ever since.  

5 - Looking Through the Lens - A nod to the person who brought the May Blogger Challenge to my attention. Have loved reading this blog mostly because it helps me get to know someone who I have only been related to for a little over two years. Being far away makes it hard to get to know people, but this helps. And I'm thankful for it.

As a bonus:

Use Real Butter - This is a cool blog because it has loads of awesome recipes.. but also a lot of amazing pictures and stories about Jen's life.  Plus, I like butter.

Bougainvillea.

(Day 18: Tell a Story from Your Childhood)

My love for bougainvillea is tied mostly to a memory. But, as memories from childhood mostly are, it is more a collection of images, a feeling, a voice, than a recollected moment in time. We were somewhere warm/tropical where bougainvillea thrive -- the Philippines, Thailand, India.. . I cannot recall. We were both young, my father still had hair of jet black. He picked me a blossom from a bougainvillea bush. The three deep magenta petals framing the core of the flower itself, small dainty white daisy-like blooms of their own. He placed it behind my ear, tucking my hair back. He smiled at me. 

And he said, "You are the most beautiful girl in the world."

Lots.

(Day 16: Something Difficult about Your Lot in Life and How You Overcome It)

Turns out I had to look up the phrase "lot in life" to see how it was technically defined. From the answered gleaned on Google, it seemed that it was more of an "acceptance" phrase, a la: I am stuck in this dead-end job. Oh well, I guess it's just my lot in life.

I feel like I don't really have an accurate answer for this. 

Today, my life is almost exactly where I expected and I am in love with it.

This is not to say that life is perfect. However, I feel like even though there are difficulties, both day-to-day and long-term, I don't accept them as simply my "lot in life." I live by the philosophy that life is what you make it. I have the power to change my situation. I have to ability to alter the course of my life. If I am unhappy, I can do something to fix it.

Working towards making yourself better can be hard. There are setbacks. There are days when I am too lazy to do anything. But, little by little, things are looking up.

Day in the Life.

(Half-way through the Challenge: A Day in the Life)

This is Wednesday.

1:09am - Wake up. Is it time to get up yet? Check my phone. Nope.

4:45am - Alarm goes off. Do I have to get up now? Sigh. Yes. Get up. Get dressed. Eat yogurt. Brush teeth. Too early for thoughts. Just robot movements.

5:15am - Walk to work. The streets are dead. Air brisk. (Should have brought another layer.) Homeless man hounds me to buy a Street Sheet. Walk faster.

5:30am through noon - Coffee. People. More coffee. More people. Grind. Pour. Stir. Sugar. Cream. Grind. Pour. Stir. Sugar. Cream. Grindpourstirsugarcream. 

Noon - Phew. Clock out time!

12:05pm - Walk home. It's warm now. The sun is out. The City is up and I weave around it as I traverse.

12:30pm - Home and on the couch. Snuggle time with the Catface. Lunch: Eggplant, shallots, parm, butter, red sauce and angel hair. Yum.

1:30pm - Shower and dress to start the rest of my day clean and fresh.

2:00pm - Administrative time: Budget, blogging, e-mail. 

3:00pm - Time to myself! Rediscover a lost saved game of Zelda on SNES. There goes my afternoon..

5:00pm - Josh is home! 

5:30pm - Head out for downtown. Walk, bus, walk. More people, more bustle.

6:00pm through 8:00pm - Business time. Spreadsheets, forms, schedules, logins. Meet new people. Share new ideas. 

9:00pm - Dinner/trivia at the Irish Pub. Whiskey. Chicken fingers.

10:00pm - Walk home again. This is the third time today I have walked this route. This time it is dark. This time it is colder. This time Josh is at my side. This time is my bookend.

Fair-Weathered.

(Day 13: Issue a Public Apology, Sarcastic or Otherwise)

Dear Blog,

I apologize for being such an unreliable blogger. Almost a fair-weather friend.

I started you back when I had nothing but dreams and a couple boxes. My expectations were to chronicle travels, both literal and figurative journeys. For a while, we thrived together. I updated you every time I landed somewhere new, explored something different.

But then I would settle. And you would lie dormant.

Then, when life threw me more twists and turns, I'd run back to you. And we played this game. Love then ignore. Love then ignore.

I cannot promise that I will update you as often as I have been this month. But I hope to keep writing. And posting. And being a better all-around blogger.

Thanks for everything,

Lily

Missing.

(Day 12: What/Who Do You Miss)

This is hands down my father. 

Arthur John Alexander Brown passed away back before I had a chance to share so many things with him. I think I hadn't really grown into myself yet. I hadn't really gotten past the "me" stage of high school and college. I hadn't really taken the time to develop the relationship with him I wish I could have.

It's the little things I miss sharing with him. Sitting down with a crossword. Playing Scrabble. Talking of travels. (I miss listening to his stories. I miss not having the chance to explore more with him.) Cooking. Eating. Laughing.

There are a lot of things I remember we did together.  There are a lot of things I have forgotten.  

There are very many things that have happened since he died that I wish he could have seen/experienced.  And there are very many things to come that I know I will wish he could be there for.

For Sale.

(Day 11: Sell Yourself in 10 Words or Less)

Inquisitive. Organized. Always willing to learn more.  Up for adventure.

Embarrassing.

(Day 10: Most Embarrassing Moment)

I hate to bail on this one but I have been dwelling on this for about a week now and I can't think of the last time I was horrifyingly embarrassed.

For now, please enjoy this picture of me looking ridiculous.

Snapshot.

(Day 9: A Moment In Your Day)

Morning commute. Two angles. Mission Street. 6:15am.

Breathe.

(Day 8: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.)

I'm not great at advice.  But one thing I have been living by all my life is the simple mantra:

Breathe.  Take life one day at a time.

Life can be tough. Stressful. Worrying. 
Life can throw crazy things at you. Simple joys. Tragic heartbreaks. New challenges. New quandaries.

But the thing I have found that has been true throughout it all is that: Time heals all.

This can be tough advice to follow. The hurt can be excruciating while you're waiting. The challenge can seem to almost break you. But fear not; this too shall pass. 

The future is crazy and unpredictable. I cannot guarantee that, while you're toughing it out, life will not throw you another curve ball. 

But you are strong. 
And tomorrow is another day. 

Fears.

(Day 7 of the challenge: What are you afraid of?)

Being surrounded and being alone.

It seems that I am terrified of polar opposites.  But maybe it makes sense.  Maybe it all stems from the same place.

I am afraid of being the center of the attention.  All eyes on me.  Of having everyone looking at me.  Waiting for me to say something.  Looking to me to explain.  It's like that dream where you're giving a huge speech, but all of a sudden you don't remember anything you were going to say.  And you're naked.  And everyone is laughing at you.

I am also afraid of solitude.  Of being rejected.  Of being cast off.  How would I handle if my husband left me?  If my friends shunned me?  If I was left alone to ponder why everyone decided to cut me out?  .. Probably not well.

Don't get me wrong.  There are things I do love about both of these opposites.  I thrive at standing in front of a group of tourists and telling them about my neighborhood.  I cherish the few mornings a week I have to myself in which I get to unwind, write, watch Chopped and pet the kitten.

I think a it's a lot about the feeling of inadequacy.  

But life gives you fears so you can conquer them.  
And all you can do is take it one day at a time.

Exploring.

(Day 6: Without answering with your job, how would you answer the question, "What do you do?")

What do I do? ..  
Hmm.. What do I do..?

I'd like to say .. I explore.

I try to do this as often as possible.. Though, maybe, some weeks are less exploratory than others.

While I haven't been out of the country in quite some time.. and, to be honest, only out of California a few times in the last a year .. my goal lately has been to explore our City as much as possible in the free time that I have. 

With the weather turning, Josh and I have taken to the heights of SF. There are so many untouched hills around us that have been preserved as parks which we can hike to the top of and soak in the Bay area. 

Take such examples:

Haight to Heights -- 5.5 miles, two peaks: Buena Vista (575 ft) and Corona Heights (520 ft)
A pretty walk with a nice stop in Hayes Valley for brunch and then two peaks I had never previously known of before. Lovely views of the city.

Almost to Twin Peaks -- 3.8 miles, two peaks: Tank Hill (650 ft) and Kite Hill (unknown height)
Feel like you might want to almost hike Twin Peaks but want to avoid tourists and cars and whatnot?  Great vista points and no bumping elbows!

Trusty Bernal -- 3.8 miles, 1.5 peaks: Holly Park (274 ft) and Bernal Heights (433 ft)
This is the standard everyday hill hike. The most bang for your buck: close and pretty steep. Plus, the most amazing views of everywhere in the city. Adding in Holly Hill adds distance and a new vantage. Worth it.

So.. I strive to explore not only my own city as the year slips by.. but hopefully more of the country and eventually (please sooner rather than later) more outside our borders.

Inspiration.

(Day 5: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends.)

I don't really have a lot of blogger friends.  But one I have loved and admired for years has been Truen at: hello from wow

This amazing woman is an artist, a writer, a comedian and an all around beautiful soul.  

Though we haven't been in touch much lately, there was a time in my life when I was traveling blindly, searching for home and searching for myself, when she was a huge inspiration for me.  She sent me tidbits from her life and home that made me realize I wasn't alone in this journey and I am ever thankful for that.

Today I still love to catch up on her life.. in pictures, prose, and ramblings.

Something Wicked.

(Day 4 of the challenge: A Favorite Quote)

I don't really have a favorite quote I love or live by. I often get stuck on favorite lines of song. .. But lately, I haven't been much inspired.

I have been reading this Ray Bradbury book recently, however, and have been surprised at how many little lines of prose that have struck me pleasing.  I am only about 100 or so pages in and have already highlighted the following passages:

"Some folks draw lightning, suck it like cats suck babies' breath."

A lightening rod salesman says this to the two main characters.  I found it a creepy analogy.

"The wind flew Jim away. A similar kite, Will swooped to follow."

 Love the imagery of this.

"Jim stood tall and now lay long in bed, strung together by marsh-grass, his bones easy in his flesh, his flesh easy on his bones."

Again, an eloquent way to describe melting into your bed at night.

"Sometimes you see a kite so high, so wise it almost knows the wind."

A of lot of kite/lightning/storm themes so far in the book.  Love the anthropomorphism of the kite. 

"Monsieur Guillotine cleared his throat.  And the blade, above, in the canvas sky, like a homing hawk scythed down.  Whisper-whisk-slither-thunder-rush-wham!"

Describing lightning/thunder as a guillotine.

"That deep eye showed swift as a bullet hole.  Hungry for Will, it found and ate of his image."

Another harrowing image, describing a man's leer at the main character.


I am looking forward to the rest of this book. A lot different from the well-know Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. .. So far, a good read. Something Wicked This Way Comes. 

Little Comforts.

(Day 3: Things that Make You Comfortable)

Food, blankets, kittens.

I love to eat. True story, no joke. And it's comfort food I crave -- carbs on carbs on carbs. I believe yesterday I had rice with all my meals. You can't catch me on a day when I'm not eating pasta of some sort. Food makes me happy. Happy and full. Catch me when my lunch break is running late. Or when I'm lost and it's early afternoon and I can't find a bite to eat for the life of me. You don't want to mess with a Hangry Lily. Trust me. 

I also love to be warm. Oh, there's a slight breeze? Throw me that cardigan. Did the sun go down? Wrap me in a fuzzy blanket. Nothing pleases me more than a balmy evening, sitting outside with the sand in my toes.

Lastly.. Kittens. How can you not love a good cuddly ball of fluff? It's mornings like this one when I meant to get up a good half hour earlier but couldn't. Little Goober-cat all curled up in the crook of my knees and purring. Soft. Sleepy.

Such are the little comforts in my life.

Everything In Its Right Place.

(Day 2 of the blogging challenge)

Hmm.. Something I know a lot about or something I am good at.

This is a toughie.

I don't have a whole plethora of knowledge about one particular thing. .. . But that mural over there?  Oh, it was painted in the 1980's by a group commemorating the annual Carnivale celebration that San Francisco celebrates in May.  Why May instead of February or March as tradition dictates?  Because the City wanted to take advantage of the wonderful Spring weather.  Wouldn't want those scantily clad women freezing on those floats!  

The torn down theater?  It used to be one of the many single house theaters lining Mission Street.  Currently, it is to be remodeled and reborn as a new 5-screen cinema with hipster flair -- serving eclectic foods and alcohol akin to the new MBC and the forth-coming mini-golf course.  Next door, they are putting up more condos, though these promise to be affordable housing for those displaced by raised rent and higher cost of living.  The old theater across the street?  It will be resurrected as two things: a restaurant and gym -- hopefully somehow mixed together!

. ..  

So scratch that.  I guess there's no fountain of knowledge here.. 

But what am I good at?  .. .. . Also.. Long pause.

This may be a stretch and it also may be a slight form of OCD, but I'm organized as hell.  I am awesome at making sure everything is done, everything is clean and everything is in its right damn place.

So I make damn good coffee!  My station is clean, my stock is full.  I'm constantly aware of what my co-worker's need and what the store is wanting.  Your made-just-for-you cup of coffee?  I brewed that with just the right amount of beans, just the perfect amount of water, stirred and waited the exact amount of time.  Cream and sugar need adjusting?  No worries!  Hand that back and I'll make it just right!

So I give damn good tours!  My vendors are ready for us.  My route is set. My local lore is up to date.  I make sure the food we sample is something my taste buds crave on a regular basis.  I make sure I know what new murals are up and what's interesting about them.  I keep track of my monthly billing.  I keep track of my out of pocket expenses.  I keep track of how many people I show around -- what day it was, what they liked, what they didn't.  I learn from my experiences and I only get better.

My room is clean (read: presentable) and my home clutterless. Spreadsheets? I got that! Lists? Checked off and completed!

As for my life path. ... That still is unknown journey.  

Throw me a curveball; I got this.

250 Words of Me.

Here upon is the first entry in a void of blog-less days.  Here is the first of my May blog Challenge.  Here is: Describe yourself in 250 words.


Vagrant. Vagabond. Searching. Wandering.

I was born in the Philippines, adopted at 4 days old and whisked away to the States as a mere babe of 2.  I spent my childhood jumping home to home -- Wisconsin, New Delhi, New Jersey, Ohio, then suburbs of Chicago.  High school was fairly stable; 4 years at the same school -- made friends, explored the city, got really into music and the local scene, frequented used CD shops, basement shows and the Metro.  College took me to Wisconsin where I spent 3 years getting to know and breaking the heart of my first love.  A move to Madison turned me into a worker bee at a big time software company.  Two years later, my wanderlust itched and I sold my belongs to travel the US looking for a new home; cross-country in two months (more new friends, more new experiences), 3 months in SF, 3 months in Maui.  Then, in a whirl, it was back to Wisco for the love my life.. but when winter struck, he followed suit and left behind work/home to journey to SE Asia for a season.  Travel tired, we settled in San Francisco and here we have made our new life.  Here is where our home is: our kitten, our house, new/old friends, sun, city and adventure.  

Yet I am still wondering.. Where next?


Thanks to Natalie for the inspiration: Looking Through the Lens