They Said I Wasn't Bold Enough

They Said I Wasn't Bold Enough

To be an individual that was

Interesting,

Memorable, and 

Worth Anyone's Time.

That I was meek

That I was small

That I wasn't Brave enough

  to make a Difference.

So I leapt in.

I jumped into the deep-end with only a slight knowledge

  of how to barely keep my head above water.

With friends for support

With a partner just a phone-call away

But still with the distance of thousands of miles
To keep me feeling alone.

I failed -- 

I failed a number of times.

But each taught me something new.

Be more assertive.

Be more of a leader.

Take action.

Rally.

Be strong.

Cry sometimes.

Admit defeat.

But learn.

Continue to always learn.

To feel the sting of the biting sidewalk

And remember to trip differently next time.

I may not be interesting.

I may not be memorable.

But I might be worth at least a few people's time.

And Bold isn't merely a font face anymore.

Dear Insecurity

Dear Me,

I know you won't heed my advice.
I know you want to learn you own lessons.

Make your own mistakes.

Live your own life.

And, by all means, you are welcome to.

But believe me, I've been there.

I've done that.

And I'm sure I'll do it again.

[one]

Heartache is temporary.
But real. 

Oh, so real. 

Feel it to its fullest.

Don't let anyone talk you out of being hurt. Being lost. Being devastated.

But know that it will fade in time.

Sometimes you will wish it faded faster.

Cleaner.

But a part of you will always miss the things you left behind.

The things you forgot to help yourself heal.

And part of you will always hurt because of it.

Each heartache is different.

A snowflake of intricate, sharp and biting pangs.

It will melt in time.

Spring will always follow Winter.

[two]

You are smart and strong and beautiful.

You do not feel this.

You will never feel this.

But wake up some days in the mirror and tell yourself these things.

Maybe some days you will believe it.

Maybe some day you'll be me with more confidence.

More love for yourself.

Try it.

For us.

[three]

Care about something.

It's easy not to..

And I'm honestly not sure how to advise you to do this.

I guess I'm just selfishly hoping you figure this out.

[four]

You Do You.

There's a lot of things I would stop myself from doing as a younger me.

There's a lot of things I would encourage myself to do more.

But the past is all part of me. Of you. Of us.

Hurt yourself.

Hide yourself.

Love the wrong ones.

Take the risky chances.

Learn you own lessons.

Make your own mistakes.

Live your own life.

I'll see you soon.

An Ode to My Shoes

An Ode to My Shoes:

It's impossible to say whether or not you still loved me or not when you gave me them two Christmases ago.

The thought hadn't even crossed my mind.. until a misplaced, 

  ill-timed,  

    poorly put-together joke fell flat on the sidewalk as we strolled

-- fast-paced and sure-footed --

down the steep street that led us away from my home.

My mind traced through the memories.. 

Slithering snakes through a maze of thick-thatched, barred and barricaded half-remembered truths.

Your gifts -- masquerades attempting to pass off as some sort of affection.

Guilt-laden apologies for the lack thereof.

It was my fault for not noticing sooner.

For taking gifts at face value.

For not understanding that the hugs were hollow.

Words were wanting.

Kisses like corpses --

Cold.

Lifeless.

Waiting for a breath of fresh air to stimulate the skin,

  reanimate the soul,

    and remind you of that feeling you thought you felt so long ago.

An Ode to My Two Feet:

Carrying me swiftly, sweetly from one universe to another.

Fast-paced,

Sure-footed,

Callous-strong.

Clad in these two solid shoes.

A gift of a ghost of loves past

and the promise of a destination to come.

I Look at Myself in the Mirror and See..

I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone that needs sleep.

Someone that's tired and defeated and lost.

Someone that's searching and trying and reaching and hoping.. 

.. but coming up short and feeling the ache of consistent rejection.

Looking for a job is hard. Moving is hard. Being let down by someone you thought was your life partner is hard.

Life is hard.

Reinventing yourself is hard. Finding your voice is hard. Rebuilding your confidence is hard. Rediscovering your personality as a Single Being is hard. 

Cultivating new skills, reconnecting with friends, trying new things.. all are hard.

I'm not gonna sugar coat this with a life lesson.

Or turn it around with a "But life is also rewarding" clause.

Things can just be hard for now. Tomorrow may (and probably will) be better. 

Things will change. This will get harder and easier in turn.

But for now things are hard.

And that's okay.

Fears.

(Day 7 of the challenge: What are you afraid of?)

Being surrounded and being alone.

It seems that I am terrified of polar opposites.  But maybe it makes sense.  Maybe it all stems from the same place.

I am afraid of being the center of the attention.  All eyes on me.  Of having everyone looking at me.  Waiting for me to say something.  Looking to me to explain.  It's like that dream where you're giving a huge speech, but all of a sudden you don't remember anything you were going to say.  And you're naked.  And everyone is laughing at you.

I am also afraid of solitude.  Of being rejected.  Of being cast off.  How would I handle if my husband left me?  If my friends shunned me?  If I was left alone to ponder why everyone decided to cut me out?  .. Probably not well.

Don't get me wrong.  There are things I do love about both of these opposites.  I thrive at standing in front of a group of tourists and telling them about my neighborhood.  I cherish the few mornings a week I have to myself in which I get to unwind, write, watch Chopped and pet the kitten.

I think a it's a lot about the feeling of inadequacy.  

But life gives you fears so you can conquer them.  
And all you can do is take it one day at a time.