Be..

[Made up of lyrics to songs I loved when I was 15 years old]

Be blindfolded. Be obsolete. Be the closest thing. Be hit or miss. 

Stay fucking beautiful. Stay standing on your soapbox. 

Be that winter of '95. Be 7:30 Friday evening. Be between one June and September. Be all I remember.

Stay plugged in and ready to fall. Stay dreaming of waking up. 

Be pictures, apologies. Be the butcher's knife. Be starry configurations.

Stay definitely shaking.

Be a right turn gone wrong. Be just tired enough. Be never quite the same. 

Drown yourself in bread and coffee.

Drive straight off the edge.

Be a beautiful sky tonight. 

Be ten feet tall.

What Questions Does Your Art Ask?

Are You There God? It's Me, Lily.

My art is asking for an ear.

My art is asking mundane questions for the easy-listening audience.

It is not bold.

It is not life-changing.

It merely exists.

My art is a journal asking if anybody's out there.

My art is a way to put pen to paper

      and ask if maybe you feel the way I do sometimes.

My art is simple.

Asking for nothing.

But open to anything.

I Look at Myself in the Mirror and See..

I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone that needs sleep.

Someone that's tired and defeated and lost.

Someone that's searching and trying and reaching and hoping.. 

.. but coming up short and feeling the ache of consistent rejection.

Looking for a job is hard. Moving is hard. Being let down by someone you thought was your life partner is hard.

Life is hard.

Reinventing yourself is hard. Finding your voice is hard. Rebuilding your confidence is hard. Rediscovering your personality as a Single Being is hard. 

Cultivating new skills, reconnecting with friends, trying new things.. all are hard.

I'm not gonna sugar coat this with a life lesson.

Or turn it around with a "But life is also rewarding" clause.

Things can just be hard for now. Tomorrow may (and probably will) be better. 

Things will change. This will get harder and easier in turn.

But for now things are hard.

And that's okay.

Music.

(Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories)

Wow. This is a hard one.

I wish I had seen this one well in advance so I had longer to think about it.  I'm sure these choices wouldn't be my ultimate list if I had the time to ponder. .. but I think I'm all about the "what strikes you now" list today.

1 - Saves the Day - Sell My Old Clothes I'm Off to Heaven

"There's a beautiful sky tonight and if you were by my side we could share it but you're gone."

I think of this one every time I see an amazing moon.  So much crazy imagery in this. Brings me back to high school. 

2 - Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter

None of the lyrics really applied to us except the title of the song.. but my dad would sing this when I was little.  (My maiden name is Brown..)

3 - Nirvana - About A Girl

When I was in middle/high school Nirvana was a huge obsession of mine. This was definitely a favorite.

4 - The Blow - True Affection

"But because it's real doesn't mean it's gonna work."

Call back to a strange time when my love life was crazy and up in the air.  

5 - Iz - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Reminds me of Maui. And my wedding day. Amazing.

Top Three.

(Day 24: Your Top 3 Worst Traits)

I don't know if these are technically my top three in ranking order or anything.. . But they are the ones that come to mind currently.

1) I am indecisive. To the point of it being annoying. I hate making choices. I loathe picking between things. I put off deciding until the last minute or avoid it completely. I know this can be infuriating... But there are often times where I could go either way or do whatever and, frankly, I would love if someone just decided so we could go on with it. I appreciate all of you out there that are kind enough to enable this behavior. Much love to you.

2) I am lazy. Oh man, how I love to sit on the couch. Or curl up in the covers with a book. Should I get up and take a walk? Probably.. but man, that seems far.

3) I am picky. This is maddening probably when combined with the indecisiveness. "Where should we go to eat?" you ask me. "Oh, I don't know," I reply. Then, this is followed by you listing a bunch of places and me vetoing them. Cringe. Why do you even hang out with me?

Pointing these out should probably motivate me to change. 

See: #2.

Life Lessons.

(Day 23: Things You've Learned That School Won't Teach You)

Many of life's lessons were, indeed, learned outside the classroom. Some that come to mind at the moment are:

1) Be Nice

People, on the whole, can be frustrating sometimes. They can be especially so if you've been having a long, tiring, exasperating day/week/year. But, I've learned, that in general you should give them the benefit of the doubt and be nice. Always put your best foot forward. You cannot reverse your actions. You cannot rewind time. It is better to leave a pleasant memory than a negative one.

2) Be Patient

As with the last life lesson, this one can be hard. Be patient with others. Be patient with yourself. And be patient, in general, with time.

3) Take Time to Relax

Life can be fast-paced. Life can throw a lot at you. Take time to breathe. Take time to lay down and take a load off. Sometimes reflection helps make more sense of a situation. Or sometimes it just feels nice to get off your feet and lay your head in a soft pillow.

4) Floss

This one seems silly, but damn! Dentist bills can be expensive. 

Oldies But Goodies.

(Day 21: A List of Links to Your Favorite Posts in Your Archive)

This was harder than expected.  I never seem to like anything I've written.. especially after the fact.  In addition, I decided to add a few posts from my other blogs.

1 - Pre-Traveling: First post on this blog. It's great to remember the feeling of giving up everything for the unknown.

2 - A Week in the Desert: Such an unexpected stop on my journey cross country. This first Burning Man experience will always hold a special place for me. So much so, that I am hesitant to go back and alter my perspective on it.

3 - Maui: Just love this collection of photos of my time here.

4 - I'm in Heaven: Ton Sai, Thailand. Truly heaven on earth. One of my favorite spots on Josh and my tour of Southeast Asia.

5 - Traveling: It is amusing to re-read this now. I like thinking about how I actually accomplished this. .. At least a little.

6 - Tropical Weather: I like the photo in the post and the musings. And I always miss these things.

7 - Red Walls, Aching Muscles: Being a tour guide was hard. But also, rewarding.

And from my other blogs:

1 - 4 Years and 2000 Miles Apart: Life in SF versus life in Maui

2- Lovesick for Wanderlust: Disjointed and strange, I think this accurately depicts my traveler's itch.

3 - 5-Hour Blink of an Eye: Being an adventure travel guide.

4 - Chronicles of Our Cat: I love my kitten.

Five Blogs.

(Day 19: Five of your Favorite Blogs and What You Love About Them)

1 - Glorious Nonsense - Jayme has been a good friend ever since we started working at the same software company in Madison, WI. She was always the decision-maker of the group. A leader. A guide. We even traveled together to Peru, where we hiked up mountains and took on South America. It has been amazing to see her grow into a new mother with grace and beauty. Much love to Jayme!

2 - Hello From Wow - I already gave a nod to Truen earlier in the challenge but her blog can never get enough mention. An enjoyable mix of photos, videos and prose that I will never tire of.  

3 - Lifeintrees - Part of the incredible duo that is Truen and Matthew, this blog has also been a favorite of mine for a while. Love the random day-in-the-life photos. A different perspective on life.

4 - The Gleaming Underbelly - So amazingly jealous of the writing skill of this lovely lady. I had the pleasure of meeting Rachael back in the days of working at Heathline. I have been inspired by her talent, beauty and writing ever since.  

5 - Looking Through the Lens - A nod to the person who brought the May Blogger Challenge to my attention. Have loved reading this blog mostly because it helps me get to know someone who I have only been related to for a little over two years. Being far away makes it hard to get to know people, but this helps. And I'm thankful for it.

As a bonus:

Use Real Butter - This is a cool blog because it has loads of awesome recipes.. but also a lot of amazing pictures and stories about Jen's life.  Plus, I like butter.

Fears.

(Day 7 of the challenge: What are you afraid of?)

Being surrounded and being alone.

It seems that I am terrified of polar opposites.  But maybe it makes sense.  Maybe it all stems from the same place.

I am afraid of being the center of the attention.  All eyes on me.  Of having everyone looking at me.  Waiting for me to say something.  Looking to me to explain.  It's like that dream where you're giving a huge speech, but all of a sudden you don't remember anything you were going to say.  And you're naked.  And everyone is laughing at you.

I am also afraid of solitude.  Of being rejected.  Of being cast off.  How would I handle if my husband left me?  If my friends shunned me?  If I was left alone to ponder why everyone decided to cut me out?  .. Probably not well.

Don't get me wrong.  There are things I do love about both of these opposites.  I thrive at standing in front of a group of tourists and telling them about my neighborhood.  I cherish the few mornings a week I have to myself in which I get to unwind, write, watch Chopped and pet the kitten.

I think a it's a lot about the feeling of inadequacy.  

But life gives you fears so you can conquer them.  
And all you can do is take it one day at a time.